Your PPC Sucks

It’s plain and simple. Google obviously must be perceived to have a ‘trusty’ index of information for people to turn to it for all of their needs. Regardless off how legal or screwed up they are, Google returns information all the time. But I can’t quite admit they should advertise on every ad and search, all the time.

So for the search “Kill A Cop” as of 3/30/2009 and where I am in the US ( the ambiguous everywhere….. apparently though, where I am not is fixing Pay Per Click Bloopers) – these are the ads that showed up for such a query:

HAHAHA. “Kill A Cop. – Move your career forward with an accredited online degree!” ?

Assassination school was never so public.  But hey, at least you can advance/move your career even during an economic recession!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE run a ‘keyword query report’ in Adwords reporting services once in a while and see what searches are triggering your advertisements. Dynamic keyword insertion is lazy anyway. The Ad should have problem read “Become A Cop”, right?

NOPE. I can’t get these ads to show up for the searches for “cop” and “a cop”. The only time I can get them to come up is just for the search term exactly “Kill A Cop” !! Holy Crap! Why?

Special thanks to the twitter user @joshtauber for the keyword search submission!

Let’s start this post with answering a common question that will come to mind. No, I don’t know why anyone was searching for ‘leg amputees‘ on Google. But, a user gave me a link to the results page and I had to write a post about it.

“So, honey – when does our new leg amputee come in? You know we have to keep up with the Jones’s!”

What I really want to know is, what word was Shopzilla.com bidding on? Leg or Amputees?

Neither. They are actually bidding on the term “Leg Amputees” exactly. Naturally, I HAD to see the landing page so I clicked through. (is that click fraud? . . . sorry)

They did a great job building up my excitement! “You’re about to discover great deals on…. Leg Amputees”. Yes! I can’t wait!

.  .  .  . sad panda. It was disappointing. Nothing. They don’t actually sell any leg amputees.

Screw you Shopzilla!

I am sure you share in my disappointment, and I am sorry you can’t actually buy a leg amputee, but I have good new for those with a very specific kind of fetish: (still using the same search term ‘leg amputees’).

I love the internet, it does so much for all of us.

Yes, normally we only point out bad or embarrassing PPC ads. We couldn’t resist re-posting these really good PPC ads. They went around the internet last year, but we wanted to share them again for all those that hadn’t seen them yet. A foreign car rental shop was challenged by their owner to create ads that stand out.

They chose to use ASCII artwork which Google later shutdown.

Your PPC Rocks!

It stands out, is very creative, it compels users to click on the ad, and it would only make Google more money (which I heard somewhere that they are into that). Google should bring it back.

The best part about ASCII: it’s hard to find any grammatical errors and retarded dynamic keyword insertion problems. Stupid people have less of a chance to screw up (but they’ll still probably bid on the word ‘free’ on broadmatch).

We got a suggestion trough our submission form today that basically outlined that their own campaign was running some bad ppc keywords and sucking money. They operate a baby/child music and song website and used the Adwords keyword suggestion tool.

They missed a crucial keyword.

We logged into an Adwords account to verify suggestions for Children’s Music: Adwords recommended ‘ baby makin’ music ‘!

Lesson learned: Your PPC will suck if you don’t scutinize the keywords that make it into your campaign.

MSN apparently didn’t have the secret sauce for some reason, but I didn’t think Yahoo would turn to running a PPC campaign to round up new buyers.

Do I GET 10,000 stores if I buy Yahoo? Is that the '& More' ?

You’d think these deep pocket companies would take the time to get their sh$% together. No campaign is too large for the Fortune 500 – they are just lazy (Target.Com and eBay -I expect to have LOTs of ad’s in a top 10 worst ppc ads competition).